he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
