Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
