Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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