He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Randomize
