My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
