Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
Randomize
