Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
