I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Randomize
