You just made me feel so damn special
I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
