I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
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