I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
Randomize
