If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
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