my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
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