if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
worst night to have a conscience
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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