I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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