my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Is it weird for a girl to post pictures of her dildo no facebook?
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
