I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
