I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Randomize
