So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
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He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
They took my balls.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
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My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
You ruined the universe
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize