he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
