my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
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