When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
