Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
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