He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Randomize
