I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize
