grandma shit on top of the toilet
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
I smell like Dick and happiness
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
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