Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
I want her autograph on my taint
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
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