'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Randomize
