the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
I'm at about main and main street
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
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