I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
