So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
