Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
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