Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
pop tarts are not kleenex
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
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