dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
