...so i touched it.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Also, beer. Big fan.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Randomize
