Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
