Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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