I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Randomize
