Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Randomize
