tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
