Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Randomize
