you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
