If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Randomize
