You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
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