i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Randomize
