Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
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