The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
Randomize
