I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
