I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
