I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Randomize
