there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
