Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
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