Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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