John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
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