chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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