We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Randomize
