I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
