Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
so while we were having sex, he stuck it in my but, and when he finished he goes next time can we have anal. i don't know if that means im tight or my butt hole is loose, i choose to think the first one
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
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