you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
going to class early so i have time to go on the moonbounce. this is why i go to art school.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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