you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Randomize
