im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
